Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Six Years Later...What Have We Gained?
After days of trying to post from my documents and not being able, I am deciding to just compose from scratch. So... here it goes.
August was a difficult time in 2005. Lima Co. Marines from Columbus, Ohio suffered many losses. On this day, August 3rd, 14 Marines from one platoon were killed when their Amtrac hit an i.e.d. This followed the killing of two Marines a few days before followed by the killing of 6 snipers the day before. It was hard to keep up. Their was so much grief and worry from families we didn't know where to put our anger. That was then. Here we are six years later. We still have grief, worry and anger. Grief is hard to overcome. You wonder what those young men would be doing today if they still had a choice. How do the families and all those left behind cope?
And we still worry. Those who survived carry the wounds of war every day. They carry guilt and wonder why they survived. They don't see themselves as heroes. They see those who "gave all" as heroes. And they carry the memories of war in their souls. Many never sleep a restful night.
And we still have anger. Anger at the justification for having gone to war in the first place. Was it the last resort? Was it worth the lives of these young men? Really? What have we gained?
August was a difficult time in 2005. Lima Co. Marines from Columbus, Ohio suffered many losses. On this day, August 3rd, 14 Marines from one platoon were killed when their Amtrac hit an i.e.d. This followed the killing of two Marines a few days before followed by the killing of 6 snipers the day before. It was hard to keep up. Their was so much grief and worry from families we didn't know where to put our anger. That was then. Here we are six years later. We still have grief, worry and anger. Grief is hard to overcome. You wonder what those young men would be doing today if they still had a choice. How do the families and all those left behind cope?
And we still worry. Those who survived carry the wounds of war every day. They carry guilt and wonder why they survived. They don't see themselves as heroes. They see those who "gave all" as heroes. And they carry the memories of war in their souls. Many never sleep a restful night.
And we still have anger. Anger at the justification for having gone to war in the first place. Was it the last resort? Was it worth the lives of these young men? Really? What have we gained?
Saturday, July 2, 2011
How Does It Feel?
The following reading is taken from my book, Skin in the Game: Journey of a Mother and Her Marine Son. I was reading my book today as I prepare for a presentation I am doing Sunday. With the holiday coming up and all the talk of patriotism, I am compelled to remember the men and women and the families still involved in wars. I recently read an article about troop morale written by Michael Prysner, an Iraq war veteran. He says, “The Associated Press reports that soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan are suffering the highest rates of psychological problems since 2005. Similarly, troop morale is down the drain.” “The reason for this is no mystery, he says, “ A military report found that up to 80 percent of troops have witnessed a friend being killed or wounded in combat.” Michael goes on to say that human beings are capable of enduring great hardship, “when there is a feeling of purpose.”
I too was questioning our purpose in Iraq all the while my 19 year old son was there in some of the fiercest combat of the war in 2005. Our unit lost 28 men kia. After going to many funerals and being asked the question “How does it feel?” I wrote my response.
“We are so visible wearing our Lima Company shirts at each of the viewings and funerals, the press spots us and want to get an interview. “How does it feel” they will ask with pens in hand and cameras rolling, “to be here and see this with your own son still there?” They are quick with questions and seem to be in a hurry. I answer quickly with my emotions on my sleeve. “It hurts,” I respond. Then I say how I admire the families. A few more quick questions and answers and they are off to another story. I think about this later. My heart says, “You really don’t want to know how I feel. You don’t have time to listen. You probably can’t print it. Because most of the time I want to scream in sheer madness.”
One day, after several funerals and viewings, and questions from the press, I journal my response to the question, “How does it feel?”
How does it feel?
You have asked me several times, “How does it feel?” How does it feel to be here with these families? How does it feel to see the young being buried? How does it feel while your son is still there?
Let me tell you about the many nights I wake up at 3:00am as though I am on night watch in Iraq. My thoughts immediately go to my son Mike. He is in Al Anbar Province, an area in Iraq we were told was quiet and “they won’t see much action.” Let me tell you how I panic and want to scream out in utter fear for my son, longing to see him and to know what he is doing and to know that he is safe. How I have been told that it is a crap shoot… he may be in the next amtrac that gets hit by an IED or the next attack on patrol. How I don’t feel that there is anywhere there that is safe. So every moment is the next crap shoot. How devastating it has been to bury these Marines who were killed in action. How threatened and vulnerable we feel as our son is still there and knowing that his fate could be sealed. Let me tell you how many times I have seen him in a flag draped coffin like the ones that cover his friends. How many times I have received the folded flag with arms that could hardly rise up as I weep a silent deep weeping that has no sound in my numbed presence but allows tears to bleed from my heart.
Do you want to hear my scream? Primordial? Hysterical? Unearthly? Or see me collapse into absolute emptiness feeling I will never get up again? I don’t want to get up. I am dead. Do you want to hear how I sometimes feel myself walking but I am not breathing? There is no air and I feel like I am dying and death doesn’t matter. How I have thought, “would my death bring my son home?” How each step I take, each breath seems more than I can handle. How desperately I want my son to live and have hope. He is so young, so idealistic, so confident, so trusting. Let me share with you that sometimes when I awake and my thoughts fill with the possible fate of my dear child my body trembles and I feel like I will throw up everything inside and everything I have ever known. And I am a stranger to the world. And I am alone in this grief.
I can’t think of a reason or a cause good enough for me to willingly give up the life of my son. Not even for “my freedom.” If he has to die for my freedom, I haven’t gained anything. I would rather live with him alive in any circumstances than live free and comfortable while taking his life.
This is how it feels.”
Happy July 4th.
Love peace
Peggy Logue
The following reading is taken from my book, Skin in the Game: Journey of a Mother and Her Marine Son. I was reading my book today as I prepare for a presentation I am doing Sunday. With the holiday coming up and all the talk of patriotism, I am compelled to remember the men and women and the families still involved in wars. I recently read an article about troop morale written by Michael Prysner, an Iraq war veteran. He says, “The Associated Press reports that soldiers and Marines in Afghanistan are suffering the highest rates of psychological problems since 2005. Similarly, troop morale is down the drain.” “The reason for this is no mystery, he says, “ A military report found that up to 80 percent of troops have witnessed a friend being killed or wounded in combat.” Michael goes on to say that human beings are capable of enduring great hardship, “when there is a feeling of purpose.”
I too was questioning our purpose in Iraq all the while my 19 year old son was there in some of the fiercest combat of the war in 2005. Our unit lost 28 men kia. After going to many funerals and being asked the question “How does it feel?” I wrote my response.
“We are so visible wearing our Lima Company shirts at each of the viewings and funerals, the press spots us and want to get an interview. “How does it feel” they will ask with pens in hand and cameras rolling, “to be here and see this with your own son still there?” They are quick with questions and seem to be in a hurry. I answer quickly with my emotions on my sleeve. “It hurts,” I respond. Then I say how I admire the families. A few more quick questions and answers and they are off to another story. I think about this later. My heart says, “You really don’t want to know how I feel. You don’t have time to listen. You probably can’t print it. Because most of the time I want to scream in sheer madness.”
One day, after several funerals and viewings, and questions from the press, I journal my response to the question, “How does it feel?”
How does it feel?
You have asked me several times, “How does it feel?” How does it feel to be here with these families? How does it feel to see the young being buried? How does it feel while your son is still there?
Let me tell you about the many nights I wake up at 3:00am as though I am on night watch in Iraq. My thoughts immediately go to my son Mike. He is in Al Anbar Province, an area in Iraq we were told was quiet and “they won’t see much action.” Let me tell you how I panic and want to scream out in utter fear for my son, longing to see him and to know what he is doing and to know that he is safe. How I have been told that it is a crap shoot… he may be in the next amtrac that gets hit by an IED or the next attack on patrol. How I don’t feel that there is anywhere there that is safe. So every moment is the next crap shoot. How devastating it has been to bury these Marines who were killed in action. How threatened and vulnerable we feel as our son is still there and knowing that his fate could be sealed. Let me tell you how many times I have seen him in a flag draped coffin like the ones that cover his friends. How many times I have received the folded flag with arms that could hardly rise up as I weep a silent deep weeping that has no sound in my numbed presence but allows tears to bleed from my heart.
Do you want to hear my scream? Primordial? Hysterical? Unearthly? Or see me collapse into absolute emptiness feeling I will never get up again? I don’t want to get up. I am dead. Do you want to hear how I sometimes feel myself walking but I am not breathing? There is no air and I feel like I am dying and death doesn’t matter. How I have thought, “would my death bring my son home?” How each step I take, each breath seems more than I can handle. How desperately I want my son to live and have hope. He is so young, so idealistic, so confident, so trusting. Let me share with you that sometimes when I awake and my thoughts fill with the possible fate of my dear child my body trembles and I feel like I will throw up everything inside and everything I have ever known. And I am a stranger to the world. And I am alone in this grief.
I can’t think of a reason or a cause good enough for me to willingly give up the life of my son. Not even for “my freedom.” If he has to die for my freedom, I haven’t gained anything. I would rather live with him alive in any circumstances than live free and comfortable while taking his life.
This is how it feels.”
Happy July 4th.
Love peace
Peggy Logue
Thursday, July 8, 2010
At Least Compassion
As I present my book at book signings and on the internet,Skin in the Game:Journey of a Mother and her Marine Son, I receive many stories from people. I want to share these stories.I recognize a lack of or appearance of a lack of compassion or concern for our military and their families.I don't think people lack concern. I think they just don't know because no one tells them. You don't find these stories on the evening news or popular magazines. These are personal stories that effect a small per cent of the American population. There is no glamour about war. More than anything people are confused by it. Yet, the larger population really want to support the troops. If they know the story they will respond. I believe this. I believe Americans are compassionate people. So, I share a few stories that have come to me hoping as people read them they will truly show support and compassion for our troops and re-consider war and work harder at peaceful solutions and bring our troops home.
"Ms. Logue, I am the wife of a Marine Officer who is currently deployed. When we married, this "war" was brought into the front lines of my life. Beforehand, I must sadly admit that I, like too many of my young American peers, felt somewhat removed. Now, I sit there and watch the news reports and just, well, cry." (K.D.)
"I am a mother of a 21 year old that is new to the Army. He just graduated from AIT...Now he is being sent to fight a war that will not be won. I am greatly concerned for his safety due to lack of training. I spent last weekend with a lot of the soldiers from his unit and they all fall under the same category as my son. There is not a wonder why there has been so many deaths in Iraq due to this lack of adequate training. I have spent 21 years of my life loving and living every moment for him and that could likely be riped away from me due to our government. I have tried to contact the Army voicing my concerns, trying to find a support group with no response. I need help and looking everywhere to find it and documenting every step of the way." (P.K.)
"I'm so angry still because there seems to be a lack of so much in our country. I watch my son deteriorate before me. Yes, he is working. Yes, he is going to school. Yes, he is doing his best. but the reality is, the horror deep within him spews out in the form of hate and anger and he doesn't see it." (D.)
And the saddest of all is the number of military-related suicides. In USA Today, July 16th is an article titled, "Army reports record number of suicides for June." The article states,"Soldiers killed themselves at the rate of one per day in June making it the worst month on record for Army suicides, the service said Thursday." Part of the difficulty in getting soldiers and Marines to seek help is the stigma in our culture about psychological illness. But it can't be denied that the stress of combat on soldiers serving over and over in repeated deployments contributes to PTSD and suicide. "Seven soldiers killed themselves while in combat in Iraq or Afghanistan in June, according to the statistics. Of the total suicides, 22 soldiers had been in combat, including 10 who had deployed two to four times. The hypothesis is the same that many have heard me say before: continued stress on the force, said Army Col. Christopher Phillbrick, director of the Army Suicide Prevention Task Force. He pointed out that the Army has been fighting for nine years in Iraq and Afghanistan."
"The mounting stress on an Army facing renewed deployments and combat in Afghanistan is also a factor, Rudd said. 'That's not a challenge they (Army leaders) control. It's a challenge that the president and Congress control,' he said." (USA Today David Rudd, dean of the College of Social and Behaviorial Science at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City.)
Who does the President and Congress serve? Ultimately, we the American people send our young to war. We the American people can change that.
If we truly support the troops how do we show that? Just because they volunteer to serve doesn't mean they lose their human rights. They don't volunteer to serve to then commit suicide. It is that we have asked too much of them. This is not right nor just nor human. If we intend to continue warring we must have another method of supplying our Military. To ask a few who serve voluntarily to repeat over and over the ugliest of all human activity is cruel and unjust and inhumane.
Where is our compassion?
"Ms. Logue, I am the wife of a Marine Officer who is currently deployed. When we married, this "war" was brought into the front lines of my life. Beforehand, I must sadly admit that I, like too many of my young American peers, felt somewhat removed. Now, I sit there and watch the news reports and just, well, cry." (K.D.)
"I am a mother of a 21 year old that is new to the Army. He just graduated from AIT...Now he is being sent to fight a war that will not be won. I am greatly concerned for his safety due to lack of training. I spent last weekend with a lot of the soldiers from his unit and they all fall under the same category as my son. There is not a wonder why there has been so many deaths in Iraq due to this lack of adequate training. I have spent 21 years of my life loving and living every moment for him and that could likely be riped away from me due to our government. I have tried to contact the Army voicing my concerns, trying to find a support group with no response. I need help and looking everywhere to find it and documenting every step of the way." (P.K.)
"I'm so angry still because there seems to be a lack of so much in our country. I watch my son deteriorate before me. Yes, he is working. Yes, he is going to school. Yes, he is doing his best. but the reality is, the horror deep within him spews out in the form of hate and anger and he doesn't see it." (D.)
And the saddest of all is the number of military-related suicides. In USA Today, July 16th is an article titled, "Army reports record number of suicides for June." The article states,"Soldiers killed themselves at the rate of one per day in June making it the worst month on record for Army suicides, the service said Thursday." Part of the difficulty in getting soldiers and Marines to seek help is the stigma in our culture about psychological illness. But it can't be denied that the stress of combat on soldiers serving over and over in repeated deployments contributes to PTSD and suicide. "Seven soldiers killed themselves while in combat in Iraq or Afghanistan in June, according to the statistics. Of the total suicides, 22 soldiers had been in combat, including 10 who had deployed two to four times. The hypothesis is the same that many have heard me say before: continued stress on the force, said Army Col. Christopher Phillbrick, director of the Army Suicide Prevention Task Force. He pointed out that the Army has been fighting for nine years in Iraq and Afghanistan."
"The mounting stress on an Army facing renewed deployments and combat in Afghanistan is also a factor, Rudd said. 'That's not a challenge they (Army leaders) control. It's a challenge that the president and Congress control,' he said." (USA Today David Rudd, dean of the College of Social and Behaviorial Science at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City.)
Who does the President and Congress serve? Ultimately, we the American people send our young to war. We the American people can change that.
If we truly support the troops how do we show that? Just because they volunteer to serve doesn't mean they lose their human rights. They don't volunteer to serve to then commit suicide. It is that we have asked too much of them. This is not right nor just nor human. If we intend to continue warring we must have another method of supplying our Military. To ask a few who serve voluntarily to repeat over and over the ugliest of all human activity is cruel and unjust and inhumane.
Where is our compassion?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
QUESTION
Question
“My nephew has been home for six months and won’t come out of his bedroom. He served 2 1/2 tours but we can’t reach him.” This is part of one story that was shared with me at the US Social Forum in Detroit last week. This story was told by an uncle of an Iraqi vet from San Diego. His other nephew is on his second tour in Afghanistan. His comment about his cousin is that he is “weak.”
Another story from another family member of an Iraqi vet said that although he has been home for several months, “he still sleeps outside with his rifle.”
These are many heartbreaking stories about our young men who are returning from their service in Iraq and Afghanistan. One Iraqi vet said, “In Viet Nam, they served 12 months. We serve 15 and then they send us back and back and back. We are still citizens of the U.S. We still have rights.” With raised voice as if no one was listening or cared he said, “We can’t do it over and over. We can’t.”
My question is, if this war is so vital to our national security, why are we leaving that defense to less than 1% of the American people?
“My nephew has been home for six months and won’t come out of his bedroom. He served 2 1/2 tours but we can’t reach him.” This is part of one story that was shared with me at the US Social Forum in Detroit last week. This story was told by an uncle of an Iraqi vet from San Diego. His other nephew is on his second tour in Afghanistan. His comment about his cousin is that he is “weak.”
Another story from another family member of an Iraqi vet said that although he has been home for several months, “he still sleeps outside with his rifle.”
These are many heartbreaking stories about our young men who are returning from their service in Iraq and Afghanistan. One Iraqi vet said, “In Viet Nam, they served 12 months. We serve 15 and then they send us back and back and back. We are still citizens of the U.S. We still have rights.” With raised voice as if no one was listening or cared he said, “We can’t do it over and over. We can’t.”
My question is, if this war is so vital to our national security, why are we leaving that defense to less than 1% of the American people?
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Courage and a Letter from Senator Sherrod Brown
A few weeks ago, Senator Sherrod Brown met with my son, Mike, and a few veterans at Ohio University. Mike has formed a Combat Veterans Club on campus to help veterans with issues that they face regarding their education, financial aid etc. Mike initiated this since there was no official recognition of veterans on campus. Now, veterans are recognized and they are part of a recognized campus organization.
Sherrod Brown serves on the Veterans Affairs Committee. He wanted to hear what Mike and other veterans were needing and how he could help them. Mike said they had a good visit and veterans appreciated Senator Brown's attention.
Mike gave Senator Brown a copy of my book, Skin in the Game: Journey of a Mother and Her Marine Son. Today, I recieved a hand written letter from the Senator.
" Ms. Logue, Your book about Mike and war and peace and his courage is inspiring. Thank you. He obviously learned about courage from his mother. Thank you. Sherrod."
I am delighted to recieve this letter. I believe Senator Brown read my book. I am more pleased that he took time to meet with my son and the other veterans at Ohio University who are expected to be normal students even though some of them had to descend into the depths of all that is most ugly about humanity. How do you go from being a combat soldier or Marine seeing the worst of humanities crimes against each other to being a college student only concerned with how cool you are and what parties you are going to? So, you have been to war and they want to ask you "Did you shoot anyone?" Like they think that might be cool or interesting. How do combat veterans shed what they have seen and experienced and become "normal" students? How long until they feel normal? Do they? What is normal anyway? How do they adjust to this "normal" life without any help or support from their peer community? Or the larger community? As though there is nothing different about them or their experinece?
Did I teach Mike courage? Mike knows more about courage than I do.
Sherrod Brown serves on the Veterans Affairs Committee. He wanted to hear what Mike and other veterans were needing and how he could help them. Mike said they had a good visit and veterans appreciated Senator Brown's attention.
Mike gave Senator Brown a copy of my book, Skin in the Game: Journey of a Mother and Her Marine Son. Today, I recieved a hand written letter from the Senator.
" Ms. Logue, Your book about Mike and war and peace and his courage is inspiring. Thank you. He obviously learned about courage from his mother. Thank you. Sherrod."
I am delighted to recieve this letter. I believe Senator Brown read my book. I am more pleased that he took time to meet with my son and the other veterans at Ohio University who are expected to be normal students even though some of them had to descend into the depths of all that is most ugly about humanity. How do you go from being a combat soldier or Marine seeing the worst of humanities crimes against each other to being a college student only concerned with how cool you are and what parties you are going to? So, you have been to war and they want to ask you "Did you shoot anyone?" Like they think that might be cool or interesting. How do combat veterans shed what they have seen and experienced and become "normal" students? How long until they feel normal? Do they? What is normal anyway? How do they adjust to this "normal" life without any help or support from their peer community? Or the larger community? As though there is nothing different about them or their experinece?
Did I teach Mike courage? Mike knows more about courage than I do.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
No Place to Hide
Part II Chapter 6
No Place to Hide
It is Memorial Day 2008 and Jerry finds an article on line titled, "The Making and Un-making of a Marine." It is written by Lawrence Winters.
"I was awake early the morning of Memorial Day. I lay thinking about why I wanted to get up while my wife slept restfully. Seeing her repose made me wonder what it’s like to truly be at rest. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt a state of complete relaxation. Of course I sleep, some. I even attain different levels of calm but real peace, a feeling of safety or surrender in my core of my being; I lost in the Vietnam War.
It being Memorial day and all the talk about war veterans coming home with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I remembered something I’d read years ago. I thought it might apply to PTSD. The author said when we are hurt physically or emotionally, the traumatization causes our muscles to tighten up in protection. The example was given of when you stick an amoeba with a pin, its cell wall tenses; but after a few minutes it will relax to normal. If you keep sticking the amoeba, it will take longer for the cell wall to relax. Eventually the cell wall will go into stasis never recovering its relaxed state. The author went on to say that humans that are emotionally, physically hurt or frightened repeatedly developed a stasis that he called “body armor.” Body armor lets no emotion out or in. it occurs to me that this is what it’s like to have PTSD.
When a soldier is on the battlefield, pin pricks come in every size and shape. To make my point more current the battlefields of today’s wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are the entire country - there is no such place as behind the lines. There is nowhere for a soldier to rest safely, not even the green zone. To over use my analogy of the amoeba, today’s soldiers have no place to hide from the pins and no time to recover once they’ve been stuck. The pin pricks in these wars come from daily exposure to direct explosions which have become the lethal background music of Iraq. The ever present drone of war‘s machinery in soldier‘s ears carries the menace of death, either their own or someone else‘s. The pervasive awareness of road side bombs makes all movements life threatening. The suicide bomber has made a potential death threat of all unidentified human beings."
How beautifully written and how scary the reality. I called it a roller coaster but i think pin pricks as tested with the amoeba is more accurate. I found it hard to let my guard down after so many pricks. And I was in the safe arms of America, not in a desert with IED's and RPG's and all kinds of bullets flying passed my head. I don't know that I ever developed the "body armor" that the author speaks of. I feel like until Mike came home I was in a constant state of being pricked.
A wonderful book has come into our hands, War and the Soul…healing our Nation’s Veterans from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (Edward Tick, PH.D.)
In his book Edward Tick talks about soldiers telling their story and it being validated and becoming part of the collective wisdom of the community.How often does this happen?Most vets don't share their stories. Many don't want us to know what they saw and did. They struggle themselves with what they had to do. They feel individual shame or confusion. Or:
"Veterans most often withhold their stories, not only because of the pain evoked in telling them but also because they fear that, in our culture of denial, we won’t properly receive them." Without telling their stories they, "become stuck in the role of scapegoat, carriers of the tribal shadow. If we are to redress this situation, we have a profound responsibility to be a supportive audience for those who went to war in our name."(p221)
This book deals with many of the issues we, as parents of a young Marine, fear. That Mike would lose himself and not know how to get back. We gave Mike a copy of this book. We also gave his doctor a copy and the mother of his girl friend. We would like everyone to read it so that as a culture we may better be able to help those we send off to war to return to some sense of normalcy by honoring where they have been and what they have had to do. Our military is asked to “descend into the abyss of human and earthly nature,” and there to learn, “that which he or she did not want to know - the brevity of life and love, our human capacity for destruction, our smallness and helplessness against existential forces.”(P.253)
And what we have learned about what it means to be a warrior we learned from Mike. Edward Tick, in his book says it well. (War and the Soul p252)
"A veteran does not become a warrior merely for having gone to war…He becomes a warrior when he has been set right with life again. A warrior’s first priority is to protect life rather than destroy it. He serves his nation in peace as well as in war making and dissuades his people from suffering the scourges of war unless absolutely necessary… A warrior disciplines the violence within himself. Internally and externally, he stares violence in the face and makes it back down. A warrior serves spiritual and moral principles, which he places higher than himself. The role of warrior has a high, noble, and honorable status."
Jerry and I feel that Mike has high and noble visions and we are honored to have him as our warrior son.He has led us to a place we never dreamed we would go. He has shown us courage and integrity.
A Memorial is dedicated to the Lima Company Marines in May 2008. Jerry and I are there with Paul Schroeder and Rosemary Palmer are there. Many 3/25th Marines are there including some still recovering from injuries. And there are many dignitaries to speak including Senator John Glenn. Speeches are made honoring the Marines and the work they accomplished in Iraq.
And the artist who created the memorial speaks. She like many in Ohio was grieving when she heard the continual stories of the deaths of our fine Marines in August, 2005. She wanted to do something to help but didn't know what. A vision awoke her in the night and she saw the memorial she was to create. She began the work of creating it, eight life size portrait panels of the 22 Marines and the Navy Corpsman who died during their tour.
Mike comes to Columbus to attend but then chooses not to. He isn’t the only Marine who doesn’t come. Some do. Some don’t. Some can’t. They will see the memorial and pay their respects when there is no one else there. All the people and the speeches may be too much for some of them.
I see the wife of the Navy Corpsman, Travis Youngblood with her children, her young son Hunter, who was only four when he lost his daddy and her now three year old daughter, Emma, who never saw her father. She is telling them as she gently strokes the artist rendition of her Travis, to “say good-bye to daddy,” all the while she can’t pull herself away.
When she finds no place to hide, maybe she and her children will develop “body armor.” But I hope that his story will be told over and over to her children so they will understand that their father did something for the community that few men do. He gave all.
(From my book, Skin in the Game: Journey of a Mother and Her Marine Son)
Love peace.
No Place to Hide
It is Memorial Day 2008 and Jerry finds an article on line titled, "The Making and Un-making of a Marine." It is written by Lawrence Winters.
"I was awake early the morning of Memorial Day. I lay thinking about why I wanted to get up while my wife slept restfully. Seeing her repose made me wonder what it’s like to truly be at rest. I can’t remember the last time I actually felt a state of complete relaxation. Of course I sleep, some. I even attain different levels of calm but real peace, a feeling of safety or surrender in my core of my being; I lost in the Vietnam War.
It being Memorial day and all the talk about war veterans coming home with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I remembered something I’d read years ago. I thought it might apply to PTSD. The author said when we are hurt physically or emotionally, the traumatization causes our muscles to tighten up in protection. The example was given of when you stick an amoeba with a pin, its cell wall tenses; but after a few minutes it will relax to normal. If you keep sticking the amoeba, it will take longer for the cell wall to relax. Eventually the cell wall will go into stasis never recovering its relaxed state. The author went on to say that humans that are emotionally, physically hurt or frightened repeatedly developed a stasis that he called “body armor.” Body armor lets no emotion out or in. it occurs to me that this is what it’s like to have PTSD.
When a soldier is on the battlefield, pin pricks come in every size and shape. To make my point more current the battlefields of today’s wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are the entire country - there is no such place as behind the lines. There is nowhere for a soldier to rest safely, not even the green zone. To over use my analogy of the amoeba, today’s soldiers have no place to hide from the pins and no time to recover once they’ve been stuck. The pin pricks in these wars come from daily exposure to direct explosions which have become the lethal background music of Iraq. The ever present drone of war‘s machinery in soldier‘s ears carries the menace of death, either their own or someone else‘s. The pervasive awareness of road side bombs makes all movements life threatening. The suicide bomber has made a potential death threat of all unidentified human beings."
How beautifully written and how scary the reality. I called it a roller coaster but i think pin pricks as tested with the amoeba is more accurate. I found it hard to let my guard down after so many pricks. And I was in the safe arms of America, not in a desert with IED's and RPG's and all kinds of bullets flying passed my head. I don't know that I ever developed the "body armor" that the author speaks of. I feel like until Mike came home I was in a constant state of being pricked.
A wonderful book has come into our hands, War and the Soul…healing our Nation’s Veterans from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (Edward Tick, PH.D.)
In his book Edward Tick talks about soldiers telling their story and it being validated and becoming part of the collective wisdom of the community.How often does this happen?Most vets don't share their stories. Many don't want us to know what they saw and did. They struggle themselves with what they had to do. They feel individual shame or confusion. Or:
"Veterans most often withhold their stories, not only because of the pain evoked in telling them but also because they fear that, in our culture of denial, we won’t properly receive them." Without telling their stories they, "become stuck in the role of scapegoat, carriers of the tribal shadow. If we are to redress this situation, we have a profound responsibility to be a supportive audience for those who went to war in our name."(p221)
This book deals with many of the issues we, as parents of a young Marine, fear. That Mike would lose himself and not know how to get back. We gave Mike a copy of this book. We also gave his doctor a copy and the mother of his girl friend. We would like everyone to read it so that as a culture we may better be able to help those we send off to war to return to some sense of normalcy by honoring where they have been and what they have had to do. Our military is asked to “descend into the abyss of human and earthly nature,” and there to learn, “that which he or she did not want to know - the brevity of life and love, our human capacity for destruction, our smallness and helplessness against existential forces.”(P.253)
And what we have learned about what it means to be a warrior we learned from Mike. Edward Tick, in his book says it well. (War and the Soul p252)
"A veteran does not become a warrior merely for having gone to war…He becomes a warrior when he has been set right with life again. A warrior’s first priority is to protect life rather than destroy it. He serves his nation in peace as well as in war making and dissuades his people from suffering the scourges of war unless absolutely necessary… A warrior disciplines the violence within himself. Internally and externally, he stares violence in the face and makes it back down. A warrior serves spiritual and moral principles, which he places higher than himself. The role of warrior has a high, noble, and honorable status."
Jerry and I feel that Mike has high and noble visions and we are honored to have him as our warrior son.He has led us to a place we never dreamed we would go. He has shown us courage and integrity.
A Memorial is dedicated to the Lima Company Marines in May 2008. Jerry and I are there with Paul Schroeder and Rosemary Palmer are there. Many 3/25th Marines are there including some still recovering from injuries. And there are many dignitaries to speak including Senator John Glenn. Speeches are made honoring the Marines and the work they accomplished in Iraq.
And the artist who created the memorial speaks. She like many in Ohio was grieving when she heard the continual stories of the deaths of our fine Marines in August, 2005. She wanted to do something to help but didn't know what. A vision awoke her in the night and she saw the memorial she was to create. She began the work of creating it, eight life size portrait panels of the 22 Marines and the Navy Corpsman who died during their tour.
Mike comes to Columbus to attend but then chooses not to. He isn’t the only Marine who doesn’t come. Some do. Some don’t. Some can’t. They will see the memorial and pay their respects when there is no one else there. All the people and the speeches may be too much for some of them.
I see the wife of the Navy Corpsman, Travis Youngblood with her children, her young son Hunter, who was only four when he lost his daddy and her now three year old daughter, Emma, who never saw her father. She is telling them as she gently strokes the artist rendition of her Travis, to “say good-bye to daddy,” all the while she can’t pull herself away.
When she finds no place to hide, maybe she and her children will develop “body armor.” But I hope that his story will be told over and over to her children so they will understand that their father did something for the community that few men do. He gave all.
(From my book, Skin in the Game: Journey of a Mother and Her Marine Son)
Love peace.
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